you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
