did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
