It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
