When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
