he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We left the knife in your bed.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
