Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
