it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
