You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
