just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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