"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
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I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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