So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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