i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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