I wish I could teleport
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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