NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
