I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
