K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
