a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
