Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
