she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
