saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
