first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
