Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
