I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
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He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
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Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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