I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
