also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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