Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
