I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
