Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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