All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Randomize
