I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just had sex on a roof
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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