You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
