There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
