You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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