Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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