Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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