I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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