I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
