He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
