I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
