Your mouth is God's brothel.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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