just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
