dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
