Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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