If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
