I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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