if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
