Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
