dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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