I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
