I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
