I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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