Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
