So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
