I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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