The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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